Having it all

Sometimes I wonder if I should ease up on the running just because I'm doing such a crappy job at some of the other areas of my life.

Then I think "Well now, let's not get hasty. No need to ease up on the running - after all, it helps you process stress, gives you confidence, and teaches you to overcome challenges in other areas of your life - just figure out how to keep the running, and get better at everything else as well."

Well, now that just sounds exhausting.

But, there's something to that. Or at least, if I can't do a good job on the other important areas of my life, I need to consider giving less time to running. It's only fair. Problem is, I don't wanna.

It's easier to give more time to running. It's more fun... and more selfish. Compared to figuring out how to tackle my biggest challenges regarding how to  be a better mother, wife, business professional, and loving and supportive family member, figuring out how to shave time off my next 50 miler is no big deal.

But it sure doesn't feel good when I am not doing as well in these other areas. When I am impatient with my kids, or frustrated by their latest squabbling, or can't figure out why Caden can't seem to stop smacking his sister or me every time he is told "no", or when I feel I'm not giving my kids or my husband the time to be the best person I can be, for them... it doesn't feel good.

I'd like to have it all... I'd like to be it all... the best runner, mother, spouse, marketing professional, sister, and daughter I can be. 

Is this possible? I'm not sure yet... but I've got to give it a go. I've got to!

Running through lunch

Today I decided to start taking advantage of my new LA Fitness gym membership and squeeze in a few extra miles on my lunch break, with very positive results.

When I've tried to do this with other gyms it's been too rushed and a little stressful, but this gym is close enough that I can get there within ten minutes, and changed within three.

Today I ran for 45 minutes on the treadmill, getting 5 miles in. All told, I was back at work inside of 80 minutes, and considering this included me getting hopelessly lost as I tried to make my way back though the hall of mirrors and corridors they call a cardio-wing in search of the women's locker rooms, I think that was pretty slick. Next time, I can probably shave that down to a 75-minute-or-less round trip.

Not only was it a great way to get a few extra miles in, but it invigorated my spirit, and I went into my 1PM meeting fresh and energized.

Finding focus

It's been a bit of a weird few weeks.

About two weeks ago, I was hyper-focused on all things running - I had gone from running 35 miles a week to 50 or more, I had reached out to a local running coach (Coach Jimmy Dean of the SoCal Coyotes, HOOOOWWL!), and I was feeling in excellent shape, both mentally and physically, for the upcoming Coyote Two Moon this March 18th.

Since then, however, I've been feeling distinctly less focused. I've been lingering before training more. I've been staying up a bit later, and saying "Yes," more frequently when my husband asks me if I want to watch a movie, instead of hitting the sheets by 9:30 or 10PM (ok, so I've done this twice. Sue me).

On the other hand, I've been finding myself more focused at work. I've been wondering less what training tips and conversations are being kicked around on running chat boards, and more about how I can be increasingly effective in managing my work responsibilities (Boss, I hope you're reading this).

Hard not hang out with this little guy..

 

And to top it all off, I've been enjoying my kids more. For the past two weekends I've found myself blissfully satisfied with just hanging out with my kids and my husband as we go about our typical weekend routine... nothing out of the ordinary, just grocery shopping, going to Home Depot, stopping by the park and Toys R Us. Ordinary, everyday activities, but ones that have filled my heart and smoothed over the chips and cracks that I had not noticed were lying there. 

Making cupcakes on the weekend with Sevilla

I have felt more restful, more at ease than in previous weeks - but at the same time, my focus with running has been off. And actually, I'm ready to start honing it in again... a tad reluctant to step away from what feels like the warmth of the family's embrace, but ready.

After all, I can always linger close and will no doubt find myself cycling back for my family's comfort as I need them and they need me, for there is no exclusivity; rather, there are only degrees of overlap and of symmetry in these worlds. 

I've come to anticipate that many of my moods and interests - beit towards school, work, "hobbies", sports, and the like - go through cycles like this. I seem to experience periods where I am hyper-focused and goal-oriented for weeks at a time, only to shortly after feel adrift and out-of-touch with what had seemed like such sharp focus.

But, this will happen over the course of many months, not weeks, and I can only assume it is the natural course that happens for all of us as we strive to navigate our way through life; juggling roles and responsibilities two and three at a time, while we also strive to quench our creative, spiritual, competitive, and/or inquisitive urges and tendencies... 

Sevy, Caden, and friends

What a complex and beautiful world we live in.

In my more naive, more confident (er, more out-of-touch) moments I think of myself as "having it all"... and in a way, I do have it all. I have so much that so many do not.

At other times, however, I can only feel the pressure of what can result when one tries to juggle it all... or juggle too much.

But that's ok, because the cycles will work themselves out again, and balance will result... I have faith in this system. So, when the time comes that I feel that hype-focus in running, I will welcome it with open arms, knowing that focus will cycle out again as projects from work mount or my heart yearns for my family's chatter, play, and touch.

I'll find that balance, find that focus, and don't have to worry about pushing it or forcing it too hard to where I think it "should" be... I have faith that I will find it, in the same way that I know I will find myself.

Zach, our kids, and their buddies at the beach. A beautiful evening.

My Dad had a favorite quote, and while I cannot find the exact phrasing or to whom it is credited, I recall it as being thus: "I have the answers I need inside me. I just have to be quiet enough to hear them."

I know I have the answers to where should spend my time; where I need to place my focus. I can trust in that instinct and in my decisions, which are based on my understanding of what is important for myself and also for my family. I just have to be quiet enough to hear them.


At the same time... I'm still darn excited for the Coyote Two Moon. Again, what a complex and beautiful world we live in...